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"The Rounds"


Sunday, April 30, 2006



 
Mekhong Kurt


RadioBangkok.net -- listen to it, not only to my upcoming show, but all the time!

BangkokAtoZ.com Home Page  "The Rounds" Archives Page

Headlines

Relatively Peaceful Songkhran

Bar Girls' Ten Commandments

Courts Suspend Elections

Kiwi Restaurant, Sukhumvit Soi 22

Big Boy Set to Leave Town

Ruminations about Nice People

The Weather Report

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Relatively Peaceful Songkhran

Well, I guess I should qualify the headline by narrowing it to my immediate area, with Queen's Park Plaza being the glaring exception.

There have been rumors the police intended to keep the worst of the water attacks under control along major thoroughfares such as Sukhumvit Road.  I don't know if those rumors are true -- I certainly have seen no more than the ordinary, day-to-day police presence -- but I do know that along the bit of Sukhumvit Road I travel between my home and Washington Square was amazingly calm, as was Washington Square itself.

It's not that there wasn't any water-splashing in the area; a friend of mine walking from the Square towards the Skytrain station at The Emporium by the park between here and there saw an elderly Thai couple a group of young people set upon with filthy water from the artificial pond in front of the park and attack them despite their pleas.  [Saturday, April 15, 2006]

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Bar Girls' Ten Commandments

Got the following from a friend in the U.S., and it is well worth bearing in mind if you're a man contemplating visiting Thailand, particularly if you have no experience here.
 


1. At the end of the week, specifically Friday and Saturday, many locally employed walking ATM machines will come to your bar, choose carefully! Some have money, but others do not! If he is wearing a suit and tie, check that the tie is not a Pratunam special and check that he isn't wearing trainers.
If he is, forget him because he is most likely an English teacher, and they will only give you peanuts, if they give you anything at all.

2. No matter how fat and ugly he is, no matter how bad he may smell, no matter how drunk he is, make sure you always tell him he is handsome. Sit close to him and run your hands over his body, arousing him.
As soon as he has paid the bar fine, you can stand clear of him. Even if he knows that you despise him, he'll still pay you. The hard part is getting him to pay the bar, and as soon as he has done that, the rest is easy.

3. Start collecting email addresses from all of your customers, once you have a good collection of addresses, a visit to your local Internet cafe is in order. Send everyone an email. Simply change the name on each email and send it off to all the guys. If you can remember something specific about them, mention that in the email too.
These walking ATMs all have a soft heart, so you need to tell them a story to get them to send you some of their riches. Start with a sick buffalo and if he doesn't reply, next tell him that your mother is ill. As a last resort, if he still doesn't send any money, tell him you are pregnant and the baby is his!

4. Practice crying on cue. It is essential that you can produce tears immediately. This will have the effect of helping the walking ATM machine to see things your way!

5. When you get a customer for an extended period of time, make sure he takes you shopping, with Rarn Tong (gold shop) being the best place to visit. Make sure he buys you gold and if he doesn't, see rule 4!
As soon as he has left Thailand, take the gold back to the shop and sell it straight back to them, thus increasing your pay out.

6. When locally based farangs are inside the bars, do not speak in Thai with your friends in the bar but rather use Lao, Khmer or any other dialects that you may know.
It's bad enough that some of them can speak and even read Thai, but Lao and Khmer should be kept as sacrosanct. Under no circumstances should the farang be taught our regional dialects.

7. Always see him off at the airport. Thai currency cannot be used in his country, so it is highly likely that he will give you all of his leftover Baht as he leaves and says goodbye.
While accompanying him to the airport, prevent him buying going-away gifts for his family and friends in his homeland, this will leave more money for you.

8. See Asian customers. They understand that we like to gamble, and they understand that we have lots of unemployed brothers and sisters who need to eat. Therefore, they pay a lot better than the farangs.

9. Remember, when you go with a farang, you must always ask for taxi money and give him the excuse that taxi drivers cannot give change on big notes. Don't let him see the small change in your wallet. If taxi money isn't forthcoming, see rule 4.

10. If you are no longer making money in Bangkok, move down to Phuket where you will be able to start making money again. Give Phuket a few years, then move on to Pattaya. Even if you are approaching 50, it is no problem as the walking ATM machines in Pattaya seem to be so blind, they will not notice.
 

It is with great regret that I have to acknowledge the source of this idea, Bernard Trink - Bangkok Post. I have re-written it in English though, this acknowledgement is added as a courtesy as he probably stole the idea anyway, like 99.9% of the garbage he published!

For fans of Star Trek, the Bar Girls 10 Commandments are very similar, in principle, to the Ferenghi Rules Of Acquisition

(This part comes from my friend who sent this to me.)

The Stickman will find out once and for all!

Of course, there will always be an unending supply of foreign men who ignore this sort of input, sometimes attacking (verbally) those of us who try to make the point, but they ignore it at their own peril -- and virtually always at their own loss.  [Friday, April 28, 2006]

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Courts Suspend Elections

The highest judges have responded to a request from His Majesty the King to take action to resolve the ongoing political stalemate -- which is becoming a political crisis.

A third round of elections was scheduled for this weekend to try to fill the remaining vacant seats in Parliament, but His Majesty has questioned the legitimacy of the entire process.

Fortunately, the current political situation hasn't had much negative impact on the country.  I like to think it won't have any such impact at all, no matter how protracted it may be, though I don't have the expertise to make a dependable prediction. 

I can say it appears no one else is in a position to make a call.  Part of what His Majesty said was, in essence, "Quit trying to dump this on my lap."  And you know what? -- he's absolutely right, and Thailand is extraordinarily fortunate to have such a wise, compassionate, visionary man as Monarch.  Opponents of Prime Minister Thaksin have been pushing for His Majesty to name a new government under a clause of the Constitution that allows him to do so if the country becomes basically completely adrift, but the King is trying his best to foster democratic institutions rather than to exercise royal prerogative and intervene.

None of this is any reason for anyone to avoid coming here; everything has been entirely peaceful, and all sides continue to vow to keep it that way.  There are some understandable concerns among both foreign and domestic investors, but as the situation clarifies -- which surely it will since His Majesty has spoken out -- those concerns will undoubtedly be resolved.  [Friday, April 28, 2006]

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Kiwi Restaurant, Sukhumvit Soi 22

I've been aware for some weeks of this new restaurant but hadn't gotten around to trying it until today.

I will kindly say the place is having some typical toothing problems.  Neither the food nor, in the end, were the service impressive.

I ordered two items: a tuna sandwich and potato skins, and I specified they come together.  The sandwich came first, but since I don't speak Thai, even when I believe the wait person's English is up to the occasion I let it slide, as I did today.

The sandwich was so-so, at best.  Not bad, mind you, just nothing to write home about.  Then I sat there, waiting for the potato skins.  Sat.  Sat.  And then sat some more.  After maybe 40-45 minutes, I gave it up as a lost cause and went next door to the excellent Larry's Dive, but not before I told my waiter never mind and to cancel the order for the potato skins.  (The premises of Kiwi Restaurant used to be where Larry had a shop selling diving equipment and lessons.)

I ordered a drink, then was perusing the menu, trying to decide which one of the many delicious choices I wanted.  Then a waitress appeared with a plate, and I protested, naturally, saying the order must belong to someone else, given that I hadn't even ordered yet.  She informed me she had my order of potato skins.  When I mentioned I had cancelled the order, her response was, simply, the two restaurants share a kitchen and don't permit cancellations, so she had brought me my now-unwanted order.  (I wonder to whom she would have delivered the skins had I gone elsewhere.)

I let her put the plate onto the table and depart without further discussion.  Once she left, I spread the side order of sour cream over the whole order, cut the skins up -- then called for my bill.  The waitress at Larry's Dive was, understandably, puzzled, but I just smiled and told her "Mai pen rai; mai mi ba fan" -- "Never mind; no problem."  And yes, I paid both for the drink I had ordered and for the order of potato skins I had cancelled.  Sometimes it's just plain easier to follow the Thai/Buddhist way of the Middle Path -- don't make a fuss.

Needless to say, I was much less than impressed.

That said, I also am aware any place has off days.  Note I say "has," not "can have."  No place can get it right every single time.  For that reason, I will try Kiwi Restaurant again to see how it goes next time.

I just hope that if I decide to try the tuna sandwich again I get served mayonnaise, not ketchup, sweet sauce, and sour sauce, as I was served today!  [Sunday, April 30, 2006]

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Big Boy Set to Leave Town

That local legend George Pipas, proprietor of The Texas Lone Staar Saloon in Washington square, is set for his annual trip to Florida to join up with his wife of decades, Mary Ann.

His flight departs late afternoon tomorrow, and he probably won't return, if he follows his usual course, for about five months.

If you haven't met George, you're missing out.  He's loud and profane -- but worth his weight in gold, given his extraordinary generosity.  And he's pretty interesting, to boot.

George first hit foreign shores during World War II.  He was involved in the invasion of Europe, landing on the day after D-Day.  (I joke with him he refused to exit the LST until the sergeant told him, "Just think of the black market opportunities!")

His job was interesting, in retrospect: the U.S. government paid compensation to French farmers for livestock killed by our bombs.  Sort of weird, isn't it? -- we bomb to liberate a country, then pay compensation for having brought freedom back?  Sigh.  I'll never really understand geopolitics.

Anyway, his path eventually wound its way to Vietnam, where he peddled liquor and the like to the U.S. military from about 1964 on from his base here in Bangkok.  He eventually got into the bar business on Patpong Road -- at one time having about a dozen gin mills at once -- and has been here ever since.

George looks maybe 60, at most.  (I think he really looks not much more than 50.)  Yet he's a rather astonishing 84.  It must be good genes; it sure as hell isn't clean living!  ;-)

If you missed getting around to tell him goodbye, then just start making plans to welcome him back in a few months.  I'll announce on these pages when he makes his Annual Triumphant Return.  [Sunday, April 30, 2006]

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Ruminations about Nice People

This is a subject I've visited before, but it merits visiting again.

Sometimes we expatriates get exasperated with our local hosts, often with considerable justice -- I mean, when they want us to jump through hoops they would never dream of making their fellow nationals jump through, it can be trying.

That said, I don't many many groups of people capable of kindness to the degree our Thai hosts are.

About a week ago, I got mildly ill for a day or two.  No big deal; Bangkok Belly or some such.  But down in the mouth, for sure.

At the time, the calls were irksome, given that all I wanted to do was stuff my face into my pillow and generally feel sorry for myself.

But what nice calls.

I don't know how many of my Thai friends rang me up, concerned I hadn't come out, then, when I told them I was under the weather, offered to go to the pharmacy to get me medicine, or to bring me food, or simply to come sit with me and hold my hand and generally look after me.

I took what I believe to be the wisest course and declined -- not out of ingratitude, but because one doesn't abuse generosity.  There well may come the day I genuinely need that sort of kindness, and I don't want my friend to be weary of assisting me through whatever sort of difficulty.

I'm sure you see the logic: we offer people aid in large part because they never ask for it.  I want to stay in the "never ask for it" category.

But wait: I'm switching focus unintentionally.  The real point is that whatever national foibles Thais have (as all nationalities do), they are, at the end of the day, damned nice.  Caring.  Kind.

If you're looking for a change of scenery but want to be sure to remain around nice folks, well, you could do a heckuva lot worse than to choose Thailand as a holiday destination.  Or a resident destination, for that matter.  [Sunday, April 30, 2006]

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The Weather Report

The weather isn't normally all that worthy a topic, but this year's weather remains weird enough to deserve ongoing comment.

This is a year in which we're seeing the La Niña meteorological phenomenon, i.e., unusually cold waters in the Pacific Ocean, a phenomenon leading to unordinary weather patterns globally.

For us here in Thailand, this has meant an unusually amount of rain during the hot season.  Most recently, last night it rained like the dickens and the wind kicked up rather mightily -- enough so that, for example, the reasonably heavy potted tree outside the Texas Lone Staar got blown over.

The Meteorology Department is predicting that the rainy season will arrive early -- arguably, it already has, to an extent -- and will be wetter than normal and hang with us later than usual.  (The early arrival and late departure are just fine by me -- the temperatures are moderate during that time of year.)

The concern is just how much rainfall we'll have.  My first couple of years here saw some frog-strangling rainstorms.  I remember trying to make my way home one night from a class just up Phayathai Road during a rather heavy rain.  Now, that location is just a few kilometers west of here, but after 4 hours -- yep, hours -- our bus had made it only as far as Sukhumvit Soi 1, where we had sat for about 40 minutes when the driver made an announcement and people began disembarking.

A Thai lady asked if I had understood the announcement, which I had not.  When I told her I hadn't, she said the driver had said it appeared we were going nowhere fast and that he suggested we make our own way to our respective destinations.

I exited the bus only to find myself in crotch-deep floodwaters.

It was . . . "exciting" struggling my way eastward along Sukhumvit Road, and surprisingly tiring.  The tiring part was heightened by the fact that the floodwaters were flowing west, if slowly, but in the opposite direction of my travel even so.

It got even more exciting when I passed Sukhumvit Soi 29, heading as I was towards Soi 33.  The water wasn't quite as deep there as it had been further down Sukhumvit Road, but was still deep enough.  A couple of street lights were out along that stretch.

And I forgot the city sewage department had removed the cover from a manhole along through there.  The floodwaters had washed away the sawhorses with warning lights city crews had erected.

I did remember -- when I stepped into the void.  Luckily for me, I happened to be pacing two young, strong, quick-thinking Thai gentlemen, one of whom immediately seized my right arm, and virtuously simultaneously the other one leapt around him to grab me around the chest from behind and heave back.

I could have happily kissed them both.  I did try to give them some money -- after all, they had saved my life, considering that had I plunged into the hole the next anyone would have seen of me would have been somewhere along The River of Kings! -- but they declined.

Weather here can get downright exciting.

Not that it can't in other places.  A couple of weeks ago my Dear Baby Sister told me the mercury hit an astonishing 102° in her northeast Texas area, breaking the previous record by 18°.  (For you Citizens of Empire, those numbers translate as about 38 and 10, respectively.)  Two friends, one from upstate New York, the other from Wisconsin, have told me they went through the warmest winter in living memory this year.

Anyway, I hope the wet season comes soon, and comes in earnest, but comes softly, not bringing a Noah's Flood.  [Sunday, April 30, 2006]

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Enough for one go .  .  .

Until next time --

Mekhong Kurt

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