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TRAVELERS' TALES "Moving
Vehicles" © [Editor's Note: Our latest Traveler's Tale takes a tongue-in-cheek look at traffic in Thailand, Bangkok most of all. Yet the tongue-in-cheek strategy conceals a deeper truth about one of the great mysteries -- for Westerners -- of The Thai Mind: the Dr.-Jekyl-and-Mr.-Hyde transformation that takes place in any Thai when he or she is placed in command of any vehicle, from a moped up through an 18-wheeler. Those who have never been victim of a Third-World-Megalopolis Driver may have difficulty believing Blaine's commentary, but I give my oath (in my own blood, blood left over from the last time I foolishly fell victim to such a driver -- a fool who came careening out of a side street at a blind intersection, causing my motorcycle taxi driver to try valiantly but in vain not only to avoid a collision -- which he did, brilliantly -- but also to avoid our crashing into the street, which he couldn't do, in the event) every single word is as true as Holy Writ!] But the real reason I liked to drive in Carol Hollinger, from Mai Pen Rai Means Never Mind. In
The Thais are unquestionably some of the
politest people on the planet. That is, until they get behind the wheel of a
vehicle. Then, a transformation occurs. No sooner is the ignition turned than
ordinary rules of decorum and courtesy become null and void. Respectfulness is
suspended, tossed out the window like an old cigarette butt. What were laws five
minutes before are now merely recommendations -- symbols of some frankly
impossible ideal. The Thais are realists. For them traffic signals and stop
signs are totem reminders of how things might be in a perfect world. Which of
course this is not. So why obey them? Alas, the average Thai, put in charge of a
vehicle, interprets his ability to move the pedals and shift the gears as his carte
blanche to go whanging down the road however he damn well pleases. He cuts
off others rudely, stops in the middle of the road, crosses four lanes of
traffic in one breath, goes the wrong way on a one-way. He flies through red
lights as if putting the vehicle out of motion were a danger to his good name.
And why shouldn't he? It's his vehicle. One theory for this radical change in
behavior, once installed behind the wheel, is that of the so-called “repressed
individualism” of the average person. In Thai society, one's "size,"
position and status -- or lack thereof --determine to what extent laws can be
evaded or flouted outright. Unlike ordinary folk, pu-yai (literally "big people") are allowed to get away
with some egregious stuff. This includes traffic laws. In Thai culture
"bigness" is its own immunity. Outside
of one's vehicle, therefore, one is constantly constrained and forced to
compromise. Individualism is quelled for the sake of social harmony, at the same
time that rank and status are accommodated and deferred to. Respect must be
continually shown to one's elders, community leaders, social superiors, etc. In
this way --goes the theory --stresses build up. But inside
one's vehicle, and on the road, it's a different story. Writes noted scholar of
Thailand William J. Klausner:
The pent-up frustrations attendant on the need to restrain one's
individualistic expression in the face of superior status and power are freed
and dissipated as one careens [in one’s car], with somewhat reckless abandon,
edging ahead of what might well be a high government official, the manager of a
large company or even one's boss. If one is anonymous behind dark-tinted
windows, so much the better. There is no need for the deferential bow, the
submissive slouch. One rides high, wide, and handsome (1987:360). Given the necessity of bending one’s
individualism to the realities of Thai social expectations, I can only imagine
how marvelous a tuk-tuk driver must
feel when he cuts off a Mercedes-Benz. In Thailand there are any number of ways to
get from A to B: airplane; buses (both the fast, comfortable air-conditioned
ones and the orange-colored tamada
[regular] buses -- more on these anon); trains; tuk-tuks (three-wheeled motorized things, nicknamed The Chariot of
Smoke by Bangkok farang, and described
as “uncomfortable and unstable, but popular with the tourists,” by one
guidebook); boat ferries; song-taew
(pickup trucks outrigged with benches and a covering); samlor (three-wheeled bicycle rickshaws) and motorcycle taxis, to
name just a few. In theory these forms of transportation provide the traveler
with an array of choices appropriate for any distance required to cover. And
often the system works quite well, despite unavoidable waits. But it's when all
these vehicles are on the same road, apparently all equally incurious of local
traffic laws, that things can get a little weird. As far as Bangkok's streets are madness. But somehow it
all works out. For example, when thirty different vehicles meet in an
intersection and do their own thing, and no-one dies; when tuk-tuk driver Somchai uses a school playground as a shortcut; when
a group of motorcyclists begin a game of chicken with an oncoming bus, veering
at the last second (and inches from a rearview-mirror beheading) onto the
outside curb or back into the flow of traffic; when, on descending from a bus,
you have to hit the pavement in a sprint; when your taxi driver naps during
traffic jams, reads the newspaper or leaves the car to go order some grilled
bananas across the street; when you give the taxi driver clearly-written Thai
directions to your destination, but he can't read or write; when the
motorcycle-taxi hired to get you somewhere in a hurry begins going in the
opposite direction on a one-way bridge, like some Hollywood chase scene come
horribly alive; when you've been driving around in the back of a cab for twenty
minutes before the overly-polite driver finds the gumption to tell you he really
didn't understand where you said you wanted to go when you got in; when the boy
who collects fares on the late-night city bus also has the job of keeping the
driver awake by means of shouting
profanities at him from wherever he's standing in the bus at the moment; when
you get stuck in traffic, in a tuk-tuk,
directly behind the exhaust emissions of a bus; when you get physically uprooted
from your seat as the bus-driver turns the corner and has to brake, hard, for an
elephant or some homeless madman playing in the street -- when all of this
happens and no-one really gets hurt or loses their temper, and somehow people
crawl into the right bed at the end of the day, it soon becomes clear that
Bangkok traffic is a miracle of well-oiled . . . er . . . inefficiency. We mustn’t forget the buses. Generally there
are two kinds of buses in Thailand. One is the modern air-conditioned kind,
called rote air (air vehicles). These
are fast, convenient and usually for longer trips. The other kind is the tamada,
or "ordinaries." And in rural Thailand, it's the
"ordinaries" that keep the world moving. Cheap, frequent and
everywhere, these red/orange workhorses are how most villagers get around. Stand next to any
road almost anywhere in the Kingdom and sooner or later one of these giant
orange monsters will come rolling along, trawling for customers. Independently
owned and operated, they are also highly personalized. On the interior they bare
the marks of their owner's tastes in movie stars, monks, lucky medallions,
flashing colored lights or astrology-like symbols painted here and there. These
buses can be caught at almost any hour of the day, going anywhere, no reserve
ticket required. The engines sing and wheeze, the gears grind, the music rocks
at stadium decibels, the seating is always catch-as-catch-can, the floors are
made of wood, windows are usually jammed permanently open or shut, marauding
chickens are known to take over a row of seats while their owner naps, and rules
for drinking alcohol and smoking -- for both driver and passenger -- are happily
lax. A few interesting types get on at every stop. Something fun always happens.
On a tamada bus I was once attacked by
a fish. A man got on the bus with a bucket full of fish and sat down next to me,
the bucket in his arms. He fell asleep, and a fish jumped out of his bucket and
onto my lap. I screamed like a child. Like people everywhere, the Thais have
something that might be called a Philosophy
of Driving. That is, a collection of universally-understood rules and
regulations for driving, as worked out through daily practice and differentiated
from actual traffic laws. For example . . . Article 7, Chapter 9 of the Philosophy states
that it is perfectly acceptable to drive on any unoccupied area of the road, on
either side. If it is not being driven on, then it is clearly yours. This
includes all shoulders and spaces between other vehicles, moving or otherwise.
Motorcyclists may drive over or around anything that doesn't drive over them
first. Horns. It is impossible to overemphasize the
importance of horns in Thai driving. The horn is an indispensable instrument to
any moving vehicle. Thus if you are approaching a traffic light and it is red,
you must stop. Alternatively, you may just go ahead and run it if you press hard
enough on your horn. This is a timeless Thai custom. Pressing on your horn and
the gas pedal in the face of an oncoming red light will create the magic light-nullify-a-relly
effect, and bring you safely through. In fact pressing on your horn in this way
essentially trumps any form of green light that others may be enjoying. If you
are uncertain of the proper technique, take a ride on the nearest tuk-tuk. Related to this is the general ability of Thai
horns to convey a thousand different meanings. In different contexts a simple
honk of one's horn can mean: "Hey you, get out of my way!" or
"I'm coming through!" or "Thank you!" or "I'm looking
for passengers!" (if you're a bus-driver trawling for customers along
provincial roads), or "I have no nighttime lights so this is my way of
proving to you that I exist, and am presently careening towards you somewhere up
ahead," or any number of other things. Furthermore, that these meanings are
understood only by the person doing the honking is not reckoned to diminish
their effectiveness. In Thailand you might find a vehicle without lights,
speedometer, stereo or dashboard readouts of any kind. But you will sooner find
one powered by rosewater and flatus than without a functioning horn. Driving is on the left, so on open highway one passes on the right. Or you can pass on the left, or in the middle or anywhere else that appears most convenient. Before passing in the lane you have decided to pass in, however, you need to check to see that there are no oncoming vehicles. If there are, you need to wait. Or, if your vehicle is bigger than those oncoming car(s), you may go ahead and pass and push them onto the shoulder or off the road entirely. Oncoming motorcycles may be disregarded as vehicles. Their place on the hierarchy of moving weight and steel is just beneath that of papier-mâché playthings. Article 19, paragraph 4 of the Philosophy
clearly states: If you drive a tamada
bus inter-provincially, as soon as you have pulled into your final destination
and put the vehicle in park you must fall promptly asleep. The preferred method
is to lean forward, your head against the steering wheel. However some people
may prefer Technique B --tilting the head against the back cushion, mouth agape,
nose heavenward. Section 7, paragraph 3: Less than three people
on a motorbike is a waste of petrol. The left turn signal is for indicating a left
turn. The right turn signal is for a right. And to indicate that you will be
going straight at an intersection, you
need to use your emergency lights. With both lights flashing, your intentions
will be clear to those around you. Right? Article 9 makes clear: As a bus driver, you
have the right to like any kind of music and force your passengers to listen to
this style of music -- at ear-splitting levels -- for the entire time they are
on your bus. Maw lam (a favorite in
Isaan) is usually the music style of choice. If you brought only one tape
cassette, it is recommended you play this tape over and over again for the
entire ten-hour trip. There is no such thing as a tamada
bus that is “too full.” After riding on perhaps hundreds of inter-provincial
tamadas, I have never seen a bus-driver turn someone down because of
overcrowding. If you fall off an overcrowded bus, that merely proves you weren't
holding on tight enough. Speed limits are for people whose car cannot
physically go any faster than the number painted on the sign. Hence only oxcarts
and E-tan (homemade Isaan trucks)
observe this law. When on a highway and the driver is approaching an S-curve in the
road, a turn signal should be used. This is something I have never quite figured
out. The last time I was with a Thai friend who did this, I remember thinking:
"Did those people behind us actually believe that, had she not signaled, we
might've driven straight off into the rice-fields in front of us, and not follow
the natural curve of the road?" While a resident of Thailand I spent most of
my time in a village in Isaan. Thus I'm not much of an authority on the traffic.
Still, I've learned a thing or two. So here are some suggestions, somewhat
tongue-in-cheek, for getting around in Bangkok and the country in general. 1) When
you stop a taxi to go somewhere, ask if he'll use his meter. Meter is topsop
in Thai. Point and say "mee-der?" if you must. If he won't use the
meter don't get in. Because, unless it's something special like an all-day trip,
you shouldn't have to haggle for prices with a taxi-driver. They've got meters.
Haggle with the tuk-tuk drivers. They
like it. That's why the Evil One created them. 2) Always
bring a map with you. If you take the wrong bus you can at least point to the
map and ask other passengers where to get off/what bus to take next, etc. 3) If you've put stuff in the trunk of the
taxi and are riding alone, ask the driver to help you get the stuff out before
you leave the vehicle at your destination. Although the Thais are generally
helpful towards foreigners, and the odds of being the victim of theft in
Thailand are lower than in other countries, sometimes the driver will wait until
you step out of the back seat and then drive off. He is betting that the
contents of what you put in his trunk will be of more value than the fare -- or
maybe he can get both! It has happened to me. 4) Promise your mother you will never take a
motorcycle taxi in Bangkok, and keep that
promise! 5) If you're staying in Bangkok for over a
week or so, at the same place, find out where the nearest monument or famous wat/statue
is located. For example, Democracy Monument. Then find out which bus numbers to
take to get back to your hotel from that monument/statue /wat.
This can save you a lot in taxi fares in the city. Because wherever you are in
Bangkok you can ask anyone at any bus stop what bus to take to get to Democracy
Monument and they will almost certainly know. The bigger the bridge, statue,
museum, etc., the more will know. And there's something famous nearly
everywhere. Provided you get your pronunciation half-way right, for a short-time
visit it can save you from having to learn the complicated bus lines. 6) If you're drunk, make sure you know where
you want to go when you get into a cab. Seems commonsensical, but this too has
happened to me. 7) Look both ways, even if it's a one-way street. Just because they drive on the left in this country doesn't mean they drive on the left. By a measure of an inch I almost didn't get to write this sentence. I didn't follow my own advice. I was unfit for Bangkok. Darwin and his rule-of-the-finches almost got me. 8) When it’s standing-room-only on a bus,
brace yourself with your feet as if the bus is about to collide with a rhino.
Because sooner or later it will feel
like you did. If you don't brace yourself, you'll go flying. And no matter how
good you imagine your Thai to be, I promise you'll be stumped for words when you
try to extricate yourself from the little old woman's basket of tomatoes. 9) Bus
and train stations in this country are asphalt meccas of ignorance and villainy.
It's in these places that the worst elements of Thai society hang out by day and
night. Never trust information from
someone who regularly hangs out at a bus station, and does not work there. 10) If you're a woman, which I suspect half of
you are, try not to sit in the very back aisle of seats on a tamada bus.
These, obviously, are reserved for monks. 11) When getting off a bus, look to your left.
If there's more than one foot of space between the bus and the curb, a
motorcycle will try to fit in this
space and you might get picked off. Again it's ultimately a question of
Darwinian fitness. Remember, you're just another finch. Fit you stay, unfit you
go. 12) I've been told by taxi-drivers that it's
bad road etiquette to get out of a taxi during a traffic jam, even if you know
you can walk the last two blocks faster than the cars are inching along.
Personally I agree with this. After all it's not the taxi-driver's fault the
traffic is that way. You engaged his services to take you to a specific place.
Wait till you get there. Relax. Smile. Be late; it's really not that important.
If you were smart you brought along a newspaper or book. "Traffic" is
your instant, irrefutable excuse to be late for (almost) anything anyway. 13) Pay attention to the color of the bus you take, as well as the number. For some reason
the color of the bus you take, or whether it's air-conditioned or not, might
make a difference. That is, not all number 56's go to the same place. On three
or four occasions I got onto, say, the red
#28 when it really should have been the yellow
air-con #28. I ended up somewhere else. I haven't the slightest idea why
this is so. Welcome to Bangkok. 14) To call a cab over or to hitch-hike in
Thailand, you extend your arm out to your side facing the traffic. With palm
down, and moving only at the wrist, flap your hand as if you're reluctantly
patting the head of some waist-high leprous dog. Watch the Thais first. It's
easy. 15) And, for any raving idiots who might be
reading this article by mistake: Don't get into a taxi with a driver who says he
will take you somewhere for free. Because, you knucklehead, it won't be! 16) If you're haggling over a price with a tuk-tuk
driver, do it with a smile. Be polite. If you cannot agree on a price, say
"no thank you" and walk away. You don't need to assume, as many farang
do, that every tuk-tuk driver is here
to personally screw you. The fellow's
just trying to make a living --however much he may come across as a disagreeable
bounder. Get into a shouting match, and things could get ugly. Ugly for you.
Don't forget, he has home field advantage. Outside of the tourist spots and more
especially outside of Bangkok, drivers will usually begin bargaining at a
reasonable price. The Thais respect politeness; be polite and you will get a better deal. It pays to keep a cool head. Farang
who are quick to anger and get into a shouting match with drivers -- an action
for which you could justly be esteemed a fool -- only make life more difficult
for long-time western residents who must deal with the befuddled image of farang you've left in the man's mind. As I see it, the Thais don't
find negotiating over a price cause to get hostile. They do it for almost
everything. 17) On a bus, as in the West, it's polite to
give up your seat for the elderly. Nevertheless, don't expect anyone to tell you
how courageously nice it was of you to do this. Or shower you with compliments
as to your chivalry. In fact don't expect anything. You're just doing what
you're supposed to do. Words are rarely exchanged. 18) While riding on a motorcycle-taxi in Bangkok -- if you do get on one --shorten sail on those body parts you are intent on using into old age. Keep them neatly tucked in. Failing to do so could cause an immediate, and painful, truncation of the you you fancy you. Motorcycle-taxi drivers are clever at negotiating tight spaces during traffic jams, and the driver may not take into account your oversized arms and legs. Also, since you'll be riding pillion, prepare your neck muscles for the ride as well. When the driver comes to an abrupt halt, watch that your head doesn't go bopping forward into his helmet. If it does, there's only one thing to do. Yell “MESSIM FLIXIT HORFIN GONDER MANDESHLAM!” loudly at the driver. This will cause him to nod in agreement with you. Maybe, just maybe, he will then slow down. 19) On a regular city bus, if you're given a small receipt with your change, try to hold onto it. Because occasionally the bus will stop somewhere and a dour, uniformed man or woman, agent of The Ministry of Pissing Off Bus Passengers, will get on and want it back. Why, I don't know. I think they collect them to line the bottom of their cages. 20) While seated on the bus, stare back at
people if they stare at you. Hell, this is good policy anywhere. 21) If you get really bored in stop-and-go
traffic, count the number of times the bus driver grinds the gears in a
ten-minute period. For me, the record is 27. 22) Bring a sweater for long bus trips. If it
ever snows in Thailand, it will be inside an air-con bus in the hot season.
Brrrr . . . 23) If you suspect your taxi-driver is drunk
or high, get out immediately. I once had a
tuk-tuk driver stop in the middle of traffic in Korat. "What's
wrong?" I asked, as cars came to a screeching halt behind us. "Mong
mai hen! [I can't see!]" said the driver. Turns out he was so high on drugs
his eyes just stopped working in the middle of traffic. I fled to the curb for my life.
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